Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 15 things I didn't know before I was a parent

Every day,  it seems I discover a new rule of life that I would've never learned were I not a parent.  Here are the top 15 things I've learned so far.  I'm sure they'll change tomorrow.

15.  When one food touches another food on a dinner plate, both are automatically inedible.

14.  When a food sample touches the floor, however, it is still edible.  The amount of elapsed time on the floor before a food becomes inedible is directly proportional to the amount of sugar in said sample.  The more sugar, the more time allowed. 

13.  It's never too early for candy.

12.  Everything looks better with crayon. 

11.  Tantrums that involve Mariah Carey-esque shrieking are an effective and time-saving method of getting one's way in a pinch.  Useful basically whenever anyone dares utter the word "no." 

10.  Going down to the basement with only your feet touching the stairs is boring. 

9.  Other people's shirts are a completely normal and very convenient place to wipe off one's hands or nose.

8.  Everything within reach is inherently crushable.   

7.  Most common household items are transformable into guns.  Or swords.  Or rockets.  Or exploders.

6.  TV is more fun to watch upside down.

5.  Strategically applied Bandaids make everything feel better including tummy aches, headaches, sore muscles and internal bruising.

4. Vomit can and will defy gravity.  Newly purchased or hard-to-clean items are magnetically attracted to flying vomit.

3. The best place to stand when someone else is on the phone is between that person's legs.  Sitting on his or her feet is an acceptable substitute.

2. If one can climb onto it, one can jump off of it, without fear of injury or consequence.

And the #1 thing I've learned since becoming a parent?

1.  My parents were right.  Every time.

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